The last few years have been crazy.
2007: Birth of a beautiful, healthy baby girl, B.
2008: A move, a tragic family loss, and another move.
2009: A break up, a tragic family loss, and a move.
2010: A reunion, a move, the birth of beautiful baby girl E, and an engagement.
2011: A new job, a wedding, and officially becoming the beautiful baby girl E's (born in 2010) step mom.
2012: A new home, a miscarriage, and a new addition: a black lab!
2013: A pregnancy and birth of a beautiful, healthy baby girl, A.
This year is going to be a lot about me. Not to be selfish, but to revive and replenish my soul. I've immersed myself in building a family and building our lives, but have lost myself in that when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. Not "who" I see, mind you. I love that I am a mama to three girls. I love that I can hold the fort down with the kids and puppy while hubby puts in extra hours at his business. I love that there are messes to clean and fingerprints along the walls because my kids are using their imagination. I don't mind the lack of sleep, but the lack of caring for myself has slowly started to creep up on me.
What is this skin I wear? This 26-year-old skin already shows signs of wear and tear: bags under my eyes, wrinkles across my forehead from all the eyebrow raising at my kids (whether it be of pure shock or unstoppable surprise)...but what really stands out is the dullness in expressions. Can I put on a sexy face for my hubby? Nope. I think I look goofy. Can I smile for a self-portrait to show all the baby weight I've shed? Not without thinking I look like a creep! My self-confidence has been lost. I love who I am on the inside, but is it enough to make me shine? Looks are not everything, but I don't feel comfortable in this skin.
This skin. It has seen its share of battles already. Bearing the weight of two children my stretchmarks are now deep crevices on this canvas. But it's more than just skin deep. My abdominal muscles split, my arms - although constantly carrying and cleaning - are flabby and unfit. When I'm done breastfeeding my daughter I can only imagine the sag to be left afterwards. My legs and butt I don't mind. The cellulite isn't so bad and everyone has it. I've weighed these concerns against the amazing little people that have come from it, and without hesitation they are worth so much more than a banging body. But is it so wrong to want to feel good in my skin regardless? If there is something I can do about it, why not?
I want to feel comfortable enough to have the lights on when...you know. I want to forget about locking the door to the bathroom when I shower because my husband might walk in - and instead of worrying that he might see me fully naked (he doesn't care but I do) I might have a different idea. Just maybe I will be able to wear a bikini confidently for the first time in 7 years. I want to feel sexy.
And not cover of a magazine sexy. That doesn't exist. I want to feel mommy sexy.
My goals this year are not only to better myself physically, but spiritually and emotionally too. I have a lot of healing to focus on.
Spiritually I'm going to attend church every Sunday. I'm going to pray the rosary in the car ride and not only when I want to ask for something, but to thank Him for all His blessings.
Emotionally I want to focus on being a better person. I want to spend more time with my friends, family, and especially my husband. I am planning a "date" with the girls every month. I'm going to be present and put down the phone at night. If it's urgent, call me. If not, shoot me a text and I'll get to it.
Physically I have a few phases. Phase I is actually complete, 90 days in on Weight Watchers. I've lost 13+ pounds and feel so much better already. Today I take my "after" pics and compare. I like visual results, I need that motivation. Phase II has already begun as well: keeping up with WW and training for 5Ks. I'm running 20 minutes on the treadmill and each time the distance grows further. That's progress, my friends. Phase III will depend on whether or not I am still nursing. If I am, which I hope to be, I'm going to add Insanity workouts to my WW and running routines. Phase IV will consist of WW, running, Insanity, and Body by Vi shakes. 2014 is going to be a huge physical change for me.
2014 is the year sexy is coming back, and I'm bringing it!!