My Mom asked me last week why I hadn't been blogging. Honestly, I didn't have a good enough reason other than being lazy, but there's plenty going on this summer to share, so blog I shall.
Last time I posted, I was pretty coy about being depressed. I would try so hard to find the beauty in things, but there came a point where I needed more help than church, my family, and distractions were offering. So I went to my doctor (in tears, nonetheless) and was prescribed Zoloft. In a few short weeks I felt a huge difference: I was able to focus better at work, I wasn't so snippy towards my husband, and overall I felt a little more at peace. It was pretty scary for me to admit that medicine would help, but I had to first admit that what I was going through wasn't just "being sad"; it was a chemical imbalance from postpartum depression (yes, you can get that after a miscarriage).
We had kept trying. I would pee on a stick more often than I liked to, tried tracking my ovulation and was disappointed every 4 weeks. On top of the pregnancy tests being negative, every ovulation test showed negative as well. I felt broken; I was sure that the D&C from July had screwed me up because why wouldn't I be ovulating? Pregnancy announcements would pop up here and there, and I would have to deal with my feelings...alone.
In December, with Christmas approaching and my angel baby's due date of 12/22 just around the corner, I was having a hard time. The weekend before Christmas, J and I were having a security system installed and we were asked if we had a dog - he answered that we were considering it. Now, I bugged J constantly about getting a dog because I grew up with them and so did he and we both knew how much the girls would love one...but alas, hubby is allergic and didn't want our house to smell like animals. I figured his response was a fib because a stranger was in our home, checking things out and installing security equipment. However, J came up to me and pulled a piece of paper from his pocket with a picture of a black lab puppy and notes all over - he had already talked to the breeder and we were going to be going to visit them that weekend to decide.
So no, I didn't get a baby for Christmas. But, I got a puppy. Not the same or even close by any means, but something to take care of and another distraction. We went for a visit and oogled over the little furball and fell in love with the parents, making our decision easy. We were going to be bringing Jax home on December 29th.
I was in charge of getting up with Jax to let him out in the middle of the night. Not that I minded. The first night wasn't so bad at all. I don't know how many times I got up with him, but at 4:30am after letting him out I needed to pee. Badly. My period was expected in the next couple of days, so I decided to take my December test then.
Three minutes later, my life changed again. "Pregnant" flashed across the screen, and for a brief second I thought I was dreaming...then came the waterworks, happy tears. I cannot describe the feeling - after all those months of hoping and trying and being numb, we were pregnant!
Do I wake J up now? OMG we just got a puppy yesterday, now a baby? He's going to have a heart attack! What do I do, can I even go back to sleep? It was probably a half hour of these thoughts running through my head before I scribbled on the bathroom mirror and climbed back into bed, happy and excited and...scared.
We told people a little group at a time; our siblings didn't even know until after our ultrasound where we knew there was a heartbeat. I held back the tears that day watching the little flicker on the screen. They determined I was measuring a week behind what my LMP calculated...which triggered a light bulb in my head. No wonder the tests were always negative; even though my period would come on time, my ovulation wasn't happening after two weeks in like medicine and science told me it was. I was showing a positive pregnancy test less than 10 days after conception. WHAT?!
My due date is September 12th. I pray every day for my little growing baby, but as much as I try to trust in God some days are hard to keep the Faith that baby is for real and isn't going to be ripped from my womb again. I had a scare about a month ago - thankfully I was able to borrow a fetal doppler and put my mind at ease for a weekend when my only other option was the bank-breaking ER. I still worry every day and wish I had access to hear baby's heartbeat any time I wanted...I could plug in headphones and sit there all day listening to it.
We told the girls on March 8th, and at first they didn't believe us which was not how I expected our announcement to go. They're so excited though; E always refers to "baby in belly" and B is already acting like a mini mom...I no longer am an individual to her haha everything is "Mommy and baby". She did the dishes so "Mommy and baby" don't have to. If I'm sitting on the couch she asks if I need anything. She worries about the time I will need to spend in the hospital, saying she wishes she were a nurse so I could be at home and she could take care of me and baby. I love and appreciate her thoughts, but I still need her to be a kid so I try to keep some things to myself so she doesn't think about them so much.
That same night I made the announcement to my friends by having a themed party: baby taco bowls, baby sodas, baby mozzarella sticks, and baby cakes...it took a while but someone finally said, "I GET IT!" It was a fun way to share the news.
Our next ultrasound is April 11th, 9 days away. I'm trying to keep busy at work so the time goes by quicker, but who am I kidding? No matter what I do it will seem like forever away. We scheduled a 3D/4D ultrasound for the end of June as well.
By the way, Jax is awesome. He is such a good listener and we don't have any problems with him...other than his excitement for attention from anybody :) but that's not such a bad thing I suppose. He is so good at night or in the day when he's in his kennel, he listens, doesn't have accidents in the house, doesn't get aggressive with the kids, and just loves us. I'll create a post with just pictures from the last few months, a long "Tuesday's Tid Bits" for y'all.
