Thursday, May 31, 2012

Halfway Point

It's the halfway mark between discovering our baby didn't make it and the day I'm trying to avoid: having the miscarriage induced. There had to be some significance to it, right? Well I had some blood work done in the AM, and in the afternoon I heard from my doctor's office stating that my hCG levels have gone down which is "what we expect for a miscarriage". I knew this, and I knew it was coming. But it basically was another nail in the coffin (so to speak). The thought rang through my head over and over, "This is actually happening to me." The nurse seemed surprised that I haven't had cramping or bleeding yet, but didn't say why, so I can only guess that maybe the hCG levels were low enough that my body should be recognizing it by now. Therefore I spent most of the night crying and in the fetal position just wishing this nightmare would be over.

Things that crossed my mind yesterday: What if there's something wrong? Should I be progressing already? Will they send me in for a D&C? If I have a D&C, will I end up scarring and unable to have kids again? Why haven't I had any symptoms? Is there an infection?

It was another emotional day and many things upset me - such as lack of communication and support from certain family members, the pregnant smoker outside my work, the motorcycle that felt the need to ride my butt for 6 miles down Hwy 8, and the unsettled feeling I got when trying to fall asleep.

B has been so great. She seems to sense when I need some lovey time, so she crawled into bed with me and snuggled my arm as we fell asleep. J and my girls are the sunlight in my life during all this, and I don't know what I would do without them.

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